Advice for women
Attract Men by Being Fascinating Cougars, a New Name for the "Mature Woman" Dating and the Single Parent Dating Rules for Single Women Dating Secrets for Older Women Decisions, Decisions, What are you looking for in a partner? Divorce vs Death Everything Comes in Tens For the Love of Pets Growing Old Gracefully? He Loves Me He Loves Me Not Hostility and Flirtatiousness as Cover-Ups How long should a Woman wait to date after divorce? In Need of a Few Good Men Invitational Dressing Older Women Dating Younger Men, What's the Big Deal? Pros and Cons of the Single Life Proven Techniques for Attracting a Man Sex and the Single Woman in Her Prime Should You Stay or Should You Go? The Sex Thing - When Is It Too Soon? Tips for a Memorable First Date Today's Mature Women are better than Ever Top 10 Rules for Online Dating What Really Turns Men on What to Wear, What to Wear!
Advice for menCompliments Unleashed Failsafe Methods to Attracting Younger Women Getting Your Shy Girl to Open Up Having a Win-Win Attitude How Attraction Works with Women How and Why Wowen Test You How to Flirt How to Get a Girl You Already Know and Like to Feel Inner-Gut Attraction for You How to Get More Phone Numbers and Dates How to Get the Best Out of Your Looks Kissing Technique Looks: Do They Matter? Mastering the Art of Conversation "Overcome Your Fears and Meet More Women" Standing Out from the Crowd The Best Gift You Can Give a Woman The Tantalize Technique Top Methods for Approaching Women What Causes to Get Rejected What to Do If She Is Not Interested Why You Have a Great Chance with Good-Looking Women Worst Dating Mistakes Men Make "Unleash Your Inner Confidence"
DATING SECRETS FOR OLDER WOMEN
Thank goodness for progress, although it is not happening fast enough, in my opinion. We still don't see nearly enough advertisements or television shows depicting women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s who are beautiful at the age they are, and encourage other women to accept themselves at their age. I see commercials selling creams that claim to keep women's' faces from ageing, but most of the actors in these commercials are barely in their 30s. Women are obsessing about their age, so much so that some will spend any amount of money and go to some pretty extreme lengths to stay young looking. It is the natural process of living things, if you breathe, you grow older and there is nothing one can do to stop the aging process. There are only a few women who actually admit to like their age, hopefully they will inspire more women to embrace the age they are and be happy. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to look old, but when getting a new wrinkle has you running to a plastic surgeon, then you need to get some serious help. Along with age, some women 40 and up, are finding themselves alone for the first time in their lives. Some husbands take the "middle age itch" too seriously, and start a relationship with a woman half their age. Divorce is on the rise for women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. It doesn't do much for the ego, when a husband more or less trades his wife in for a younger model, but take it from someone who has been there done that. You will survive, and you will get better, many times better than ever. A whole new world is opening up for you and in the end; you may thank you ex for doing you the favor.
This is actually a pretty good time to be a single older woman. No matter how you got here, from divorce, separation, or unfortunately the death of a spouse, women in their 40s, 50s, and even 60s, are finding being single is not such a bad thing. She is finding out that she does pretty good all by herself. She can support herself, she has no problem being alone, and she is finding that if she wants to be with a man, she can do that too. Women in their 40s and up are looking better than ever, they take better care of themselves, and they aren't as intimidated by the girls in their 20s and early 30s anymore. Today's women are finding out that her life is not over after her children leave the nest, or divorce happens. She now realizes that the second part of her life can be as exciting as she wants to make it. There may be some culture shock in the beginning, I have talked with women who were married for 20 or 30 years and suddenly found themselves living alone, with no job and no money. One woman who was married for 32 years, said her husband didn't even have the courage to tell her to her face he wanted a divorce, he actually called her on the phone and told her he was never coming home again. She was a housewife for all those years and she had no outside work skills. She didn't have time to wallow in self pity for long though because she needed money to support herself. That was five years ago for her and today she has a very good job with the state. She had to take any job that would hire her at first, but it was a good learning experience for her and today she is still single, but happy with her life. She's not in any hurry to get married again, but if it happens, that's good, but if it doesn't, that's okay too. The moral to the story is when or if this happens to you, there really is no time for a woman to roll around in her own misery. She has to do something right away to get some money coming in. My friend was lucky on one count because her children were grown and old enough to take care of themselves. Of course, stories like this one have been happening since the beginning of time. Women today though are taking matters into their own hands and not wasting their time feeling sorry for themselves. Once they start using their pain of loss and rejection as a tool of strength rather than using it as an excuse for people to feel sorry for them, they find a whole new world out there. Now that they are single, there is nothing stopping them from doing whatever they want to do.
Some women are going back to school later in life also to either add to their education or to go into a different direction entirely. Many night classes at local colleges are filled with woman in their "maturity" furthering their education. They are finding it a challenge in some cases, juggling jobs, families, and homework, but going back to school also gives them a sense of well being and independence. She is finding a new appreciation for learning which makes her work harder at doing better, something she took for granted when her parents paid for her education. Today' she embraces her age, her knowledge, and her independence. She no longer looks for someone else to take care of her and she is finding out that she can take pretty good care of herself. If she finds that special someone to spend the rest of her life with, than that just adds to the fullness in her life. However, if she doesn't find someone right away, then she knows she can have a fulfilling life of her own making.
According to an AARP finding, single mature women outnumber men 3 to 1. Another statistic from Eleanor Harris and www.historymatters.com, says there are 21,327,000 women without men in this country. 11,822,000 have never been married; widows number about 8,047,000; and divorcees balance it out at 1,458,000. That's a lot of single women out there. It also means that a little more than a third of the women in the United States are getting along without steady male companionship. A Census Bureau reports however, that in 2002 the age of single or unmarried people in the U. S. were ages 40 thru 69. Yet the literature on this age group is almost nonexistent. A study on dating and sexual behavior on women is mostly done on the younger woman at the age of 30. Popular belief must be that women in their 40s and up don't have sex anymore. Well, women in their 40s and well into their 60s still enjoy sex very much.' I'm 43, and speaking for myself, I like sex very much. Being single makes having a healthy sexual relationship more of a challenge maybe, but it does not mean that older women do not enjoy a healthy sex life. We will talk more about sex later.
Trust is a big issue for a lot of divorced women, I'm sure it is with divorce men too but right now we are speaking about women. Divorce is a painful thing, even when both parties want out, I don't care who you are, divorce is a painfully emotional time and unless you have no feelings what-so-ever, it's going to hurt. I personally hope I don't have to ever go through that again, and trust is a big issue for me at the moment. Now I know that there are no guarantees in life, and we cannot predict the future. I was married for 25 years, and if you had asked me three years ago if my husband and I would ever be apart or get a divorce, I would have said "no way," and that I was going to grow old and die with the man I was married to. Today however, I'm single for the first time in my life at the age of 43. It's amazing how just a few words have the power to change your whole life. I met my husband when I was 17 and we had always been together. I never thought I would hear him say he didn't love me anymore. Later, I found out that he was seeing someone from work behind my back, this of course did not do my ego any good. Anyway, that's more than enough about me; let's get into a whole new attitude about being single and dating at the age we are now. Since I have been single for these past two years, I have made some discoveries that I find pretty interesting. I would like to share with you some of these discoveries about emotional well being, as well as life as a single person, and last but not least, the dating scene for women my age and older. As with any article about self help or discovery, you may not agree with some of my opinions and idea's. As with anything else in life, take what you can use and leave the rest. Keep an open mind and remember, just because you don't agree, does not mean it isn't so. With the help of a lot of research from magazines and websites, I hope to help other women who may be is the same situation as I am. However, I am no where near looking for a permanent relationship right now, although I have done some dating, and it's been fun. I make no claims at being an expert at anything. I'm just a regular woman looking to get along in this world the best I can and I hope to have some happiness along the way.
Loss wears many masks, and divorce comes in second only to death. When we talk about dealing with a loss and the emotional strain it puts on our hearts, divorce can be as emotionally damaging as the death of a mate. To grieve over the loss of a marriage is perfectly normal and must be done in order to move on and build a happier life. Some women feel betrayed and think "this wasn't supposed to happen to me."
I have done a lot of research on these topics that we will be talking about. Most of it has been some pretty good stuff. One book I read gave some really good advice about how to get back on track after their divorce. This advice comes from the real experts—divorced women. These five things are what Victoria Jaycox, author of the book Single Again: A Guide for Women Starting Over, had to say after she surveyed dozens of divorcees.
Consciously work with your emotions. Face up to your emotions; vent anger and sadness through talking, writing, rituals or physical activities. At the same time, don't pull yourself down. Express your emotions but keep an optimistic frame of mind. Personal affirmations or declarations are particularly appropriate here, and joining a support group can be extremely helpful.
Put your own needs first. Periodically set aside responsibilities with children, cooking, cleaning, whatever, to do the things that really please you and make you feel peaceful. Visit a day spa, sit by a lake, spend the day in bed relaxing and envisioning the great life you want for yourself and how you will create it.
Recruit all the help you can. Reach out to positive single women--a job counselor, a financial adviser and, if you've been blue, a therapist. How can you tell if a therapist is needed? If you feel like you're sinking, you're sinking.
Create a home that provides stability and sustenance. Your living arrangements should help you feel safe, stable and connected to a community. This is not the best time for isolation. And living in a neighborhood full of married couples might not exactly float your boat. Seek a balance.
Actively plan your future. Divorce gives you an opportunity to look at what your core values are and see if you can apply them to the working world. What do you care about? Can you accomplish your goals before you die? Figure out what kind of person you always wanted to be and make a plan to become her. You can choose to be a victim of divorce or one of the many happy, fulfilled survivors. --J.D.C.
Here are some suggestions I read about on a divorce website that I thought was pretty good, and I thought I would share it with you. There are all kinds of help out there, in books, magazines, websites, and television, so there is no reason for you to go this alone, unless of course, you want to. These next few pages deal with dating and divorce. Even though it may have been awhile since you went out on your last date, some things have changed and some things haven't. For example in today's world, single women are finding that dating younger men is more socially acceptable than it was about 20 years ago, and that's a good thing. According to some articles, almost one third of women between the ages of 40 and 69 are dating younger men. Some of these women claim to like the flexibility and sense of adventure of their more spontaneous, younger companions. One article from Web MD has a psychologist stating that the younger men she has talked to about why they date a woman older than them say they like the sophistication and life success of their older mates. Even though most people's idea of the reasons an older woman seeks out a younger man is because women peak sexually in their 30s and 40s, while men peak in their teens and early 20s, when in all actuality, most of these couples are beyond both of those age periods when they get together. This psychologist points out other reasons older women seek younger men are:
If an older woman finds a younger man she wants to date, then she's going to have to deal with some of the flak, and the preconceived notions that are usually associated with older women/younger man relationships. It's always been acceptable for an older man to have a woman 20 years younger than he is, and some even look up to this man in admiration. For women things tend to be a bit different, were they look at a woman dating a younger man as "robbing the cradle" or a "Mrs. Robinson." Some whispers behind the back saying nasty remarks like, "he's just after her money," or she's sexually deprived, (Well, that may be true, but that could be a good thing). And even the good old, "He's looking for a mother figure," someone who will take care of him.
It's a miserable time coming out of a divorce, and misery does love company. Sometime certain people find it difficult to withstand the temptation to ease their pain and forget about their divorce worries by jumping out of one relationship and into another. The problem with using other people to kill your pain is that it has the tendency to become a bad habit, and a hard one to break once it's started. The next thing you know you've got more broken relationships than you care to admit and you find yourself scratching your head and wondering why your love life seems so hopeless and asking yourself, "How the hell did I get here?" Experts will tell you the best thing to do is to stay out of relationships for awhile and heal yourself. Now is the time to take inventory of your life and where you go from here. When you're on the rebound, you are especially vulnerable and you are very likely to put yourself in relationships and situations you would rather stay clear from at any other time. You should really concentrate on yourself for awhile, and think about your past relationships issues and learn from them. Because if you don't learn from your last mistakes, you most certainly will repeat them. You know what the definition of insanity right? Insanity is doing the same stupid things over and over again, but expecting different results. If you want to have a better future, then you really should give yourself some time to deal with your past plus, you don't want to bring any type of baggage into a new relationship, do you? Here are some helpful hints that I received from doing a bit of research on the website, divorce.com.
The Ex Factor
Many couples have a hard time dealing with a breakup in the beginning, so it's not uncommon for you to have feelings of getting back with your ex. Being alone for the first time in a long time has the tendency of wreaking havoc on your emotions. The urge to get back together with your ex is very strong during this time but you must be strong and don't do anything rash. If you must, make a date with yourself that you will call or maybe stop by and see you're ex the following day. This way you can relax a bit, knowing that you will see him tomorrow. When tomorrow comes, you will probably have changed your mind and your emotions are not as strong as the night before. You may even feel that you don't need to see him at all, and feel glad you didn't do anything stupid the night before. The more times you resist the impulse to see your ex, the better you'll be at spending time alone. Soon, you will find that now your not so desperate to have company around at all times, and you will be building your strength.
Too Soon To Tell
If you truly believe that the best way to forget a bad relationship is to start a new one, then by all means, go ahead and have fun. Nothing is written in stone and nothing is law. But the advice is to at least try to gain a little perspective before falling head over heels in love with the first man to claim he loves you. If you do find yourself falling in love with this person, just remember, these are rebound related feelings and because of your dire need to have affection; your judgment is not at its best right now. At least hold off on saying anything to the other person, don't lead him on only to discover a few months later you are nowhere near in love with this person.
Heart to Heart
If you're having fun in this rebound relationship, then take it for all that its worth. This can reaffirm the fact that you're still desirable and this will be a great boost to you ego. But if you find yourself still single after a year or longer, in the end you will probably be better off in the end. Don't worry about all your dates are not measuring up to your standards, it's actually to be expected. Eventually, once you get to be more experienced, you'll be ready for a more improved relationship that just may be "The One." Along with this advice, there are also some helpful hints or actually more like dating don'ts to keep in mind when going out on dates. Some of these are common sense, and others are just good to keep in mind when you're out alone with a man you don't know very well. This next subject had the tendency of being a big deal, and can ruin a perfectly good evening. Who should pay for dinner? It doesn't have to though, as long as everything is out in the open and the decision has already been made before you go out to dinner. If a woman asks a man to dinner, then by all means, let her pay for the meal. I don't see why men's ego's get all bent out of shape when a woman wants to pay for dinner. Women if you ask a man out, it may be a good idea to tell your date that dinner is on you and that's it, end of discussion. If the man has a problem with this then maybe it's a good thing you're seeing this now. Here's what I found to be common ground when it comes to "who pays for dinner?"
Who Pays For the Date?
"Women should be willing to ask a man out and pay for the date," stated one man at a divorce group meeting I attended one evening. This brave man brought up this subject for discussion in the meeting. I couldn't believe it when I overheard a woman in the audience whispered to the woman seated next to her, "It'll be a cold day in hell before I pay for a man's dinner." I personally could not believe what I was hearing, what's the big deal? Why do some women think in this day and age that they should not have to pay for their date, especially if they were the one's to ask the man out to dinner? We are past the day and age of women thinking of men as the sole provider and protector, and payer of all meals. Maybe she even makes more money than him, and if that is the case then by all means, he should let her pay when she offers.
Unfortunately, some older women still think that men should take care of the in all things. Some of them really need to get on the "share everything" band wagon and realize that women have worked to hard to get this far to have a few old fashioned thinking minds bring us back down. Don't they realize that to have equality in all things we must be willing to do all things? That includes paying for dinner every once in a while, and not put our hands under the table when the check comes. The old days of men picking up the tab all the time are gone; there is no reason for them to have to pay for everything. Some men live on social security and their retirement investments and they have to be a bit conservative, especially with today's prices. There are still those few men that will insist on paying for everything and maybe they can afford to do this, if they can and the woman doesn't mind then good for them. Some older men will stop dating a woman if she doesn't pay for a date every once in a while, calling them freeloaders. So girls, if you go out with today's man, then you should think about buying them dinner every now and then if you want to continue dating him. There's no way to tell if your going out with someone who would like you to share expenses, so maybe after he's taken you out a couple of times, try saying to him "Hey, how about we go to so and so, my treat," and see how he reacts. If he gets all bent out of shape, explain things to him and if he's still a bit touchy, maybe that's a sign that things with this one is not meant to be. If however, he seems pleased with the idea, there you go.
Also from divorce.com are the "Ten Commandment's of Dating after Divorce. It is said that if you fail to follow this formula for perfect dating, you will suffer all the torments of dating hell. So, you have been warned, this is what they had to say.
#1: Thou shalt not ignore thy date.
Paying close attention to your date's every move is not called for here. There are some who feel they have to leer at every attractive person that walks into a room. Most dates would be greatly offended by this behavior, taking it as a personal insult to themselves. So, keep your attention focused on the person you are with. It is very rude to make eye contact with someone else besides your date. You should make your date feel like the most important person in the room. If you go to a party, then it's okay to mingle and make small talk with others but remember, your date's happiness is your top priority. Make sure you introduce him to your friends, don't allow him to feel left out. Your acts of kindness will not go unnoticed.
#2: Thou shalt not drink or become intoxicated.
This is the best advice you can take along with you and remember it at all times. You do not want to lose control of the situation. Even if you're not driving, excessive consumption of alcohol or other recreational drugs is a big no no. As far as first impressions go, this kind of behavior can really put you at a disadvantage. The best way to avoid becoming too drunk is to eat plenty before the party. Even if you're a bit nervous, it may be best to forgo the alcohol completely and take deep breath exercises. If you must have a drink in your hand, try some soda water with a wedge of lime or lemon. That way it looks like you have a mixed drink in your hand and people are less likely to be helpful in getting you a drink. Your really don't want to wake up in the morning not remembering most of the night, only to hear later from a friend how you acted the night before.
#3: Thou shalt not talk about thy ex.
Whether you've just broken up, or happened to run into your ex husband earlier that day, talking about your ex is a real downer to your date. The last thing he wants to hear about is how horrible or great he was to you and your children. As far as your date is concerned, you've never gone out with anyone before him. Some feel that bringing up a former lover will somehow make them seem more desirable, this is far from the truth. Your date will probably think your still in love with your ex and back out of the relationship completely. If the shoe is on the other foot, and your date can't seem to stop talking about his ex, then at least you will know this will be your last date with this guy.
#4: Thou shall not lie.
First dates are getting to know about each other so you should be honest about everything right from the beginning. Offering more personal information is not necessary on the first date, keep some things for later. However, if he asks and your not ready to reveal an answer at the moment, then let him know that you will tell him later when your more ready. Whatever you do, don't make up some elaborate story or lie, which will just make him not trust you plus, you will have to remember your lie. The truth never has to be remembered.
#5: Thou shall not commit an act of road rage.
If you happen to be driving, remember to obey the rules of the road and be courteous to other drivers. How embarrassed would you be getting a speeding ticket with your first date sitting in the passenger seat? Do not race after someone who cut you off, then slam on your breaks to get revenge. Not only will your date be scared to death for his life, you have just ruined the whole evening for them. Your anger will have them afraid to be around you and they will not be able to relax. You probably will not be seeing him again.
#6: Thou shall not show up over 20 minuets late.
When it comes to dating, timeliness is next to godliness. The worse thing you can do is to keep your date waiting. Nobody likes to be standing around wondering if their being stood up or not. It also shows a lack of respect for your date, by making him feel his time is not as important as yours. Many dates have been known to cancel right from the start because their date was late.
#7: Thou shalt not come on too strong.
It's considered in very bad taste to make lewd comments about your date's appearance. If your date starts making uncomfortable comments about what you're wearing, or if he touches you inappropriately, then maybe calling a cab to take you home would be a good idea. You don't deserve this type of treatment and don't let anyone belittle you in this manner. It would be better to live alone than to go out with someone who doesn't respect you.
#8: Thou shalt not use thy cellular.
In the name of insufferable bore everywhere, deactivate your cell phone. There is nothing so important that you need to be talking on the phone during dinner. By talking on the phone you are telling your date is not significant enough to captivate your attention. That is not the message you want to convey to someone who was nice enough to take you out to dinner. You agreed to go out on a date, so it is your responsibility to keep things lively.
#9: Thou shalt not talk about building a family.
There is nothing more frightening than going on a first date and being confronted with the issues of kids and marriage. Such situations make most people stop and look around to make sure they are in the right place. If you want your date to ask you out on a second date, keep the conversation of children and marriage on the back burner, or better yet, in the closet in a lockbox.
Before sizing up your date for mate potential, take a breather and get a little perspective. You've only just met this guy a little while ago and if your looking for Mr. Right, you don't want to scare off any potential suitors. Grilling your date about their desire to have kids will only make you seem foolish and desperate. If you want to find out whether someone would make a good husband, study their behavior instead, actions always speak louder than words.
#10: Thou shalt not whine.
If your mantra is "I Want," then you need to change your mantra. Bossing your date around and pouring on the "old bitch and moan" routine when you don't get your way is going to keep you single a long time. So, get yourself a new attitude and figure out a way to get your way without putting on the bitch dress. Remember, your strong opinion is not always wanted, so maybe learning to keep your opinions to yourself may be a big help to your cause. The prima-donna attitude will make you seem like a spoiled brat, and selfish, and not second date material either.
Of course, these are only suggestions, and even though they may be called commandments, hopefully you realize it's all in fun, just like dating should be.
Once you have truly laid your divorce to rest, you may be ready to dip your toes into the dating pool. However, your self-esteem has probably taken a bit of a beating, especially if the divorce was the ex's idea. If you don't think you're a pretty good person with lots to offer, you are going to need to rebuild you're self-esteem before you go back out there and search for someone to share you're life with. One of the positive things about divorce is you get the opportunity to re-invent yourself into the person you always wanted to be. During your marriage you probably made a lot of compromises for the sake of your relationship, and somewhere along the way you got lost. Before you got married you used to love to do lots of things like go dancing and horseback riding, or hiking. When you met the first Mr. Right, he had two left feet, was afraid of horses, and was allergic to everything outdoors, but because you were in love you gave up all those things. Now is the time to see if you would still like to do any of these things today. Now is a very good time for you to decide on who and what you're going to be for this second part of your life. You now need to look at how you choose to spend your time and make new decisions based on your own desires. Ask yourself some questions; start small, the work up to the big stuff. A couple of books may be able to help you get started and help you focus, visit your nearest library, or book store. Self help books can be very helpful. After awhile you will find out that you're a pretty great person, and you're walking around with a smile on your face. You no longer let people treat you badly because you don't deserve to be treated badly. You also may find that you're not so desperate to find another man to fill the emptiness in your life because your life is not longer so empty. You don't need a man to fill your life and tell you that you're a great person, because you already know that about yourself.
A word of warning is that not everyone will like the real you. And some will want the old you back. Insist they start treating you like the person you are today or you will have to drop them like a bad habit. You need all the positive reinforcement you can get. Your true friends will like the new you and they will encourage you all the way. Now that you are emotionally ready to meet the next Mr. Right, you need to go find him. Now that you're the person you always wanted to be, you will find that you will attract a better class of men too. This doesn't mean you have to start hanging out at the singles bars or attending political rallies, unless you like these sort of things, but you will need to get out of the house and meet new people, they are not going to come to you. Maybe take an art class or a dance class, go rollerblading or volunteer at your local hospital. You will be meeting new people who share the same interests that you do, which gives an easy opener to start a conversation. When you meet a man you would like to go out with, try flirting with him and let him know you're interested. The next few paragraphs are about the art of flirtation.
There have been whole books written on the topic of flirting. Stick with what you know and what your strong points are. For example, if you're not funny, don't try breaking the ice with a joke. There is nothing worse than a person trying to tell a joke but forgets the punch line. That right there will have him walking away from you shaking his head. Check out your surroundings: if your standing in a checkout line you may have the opportunity to try small talk, "I can't believe how long this is taking, is someone ahead writing a check?" Something along those lines, a couple of non-threatening comments about nothing important. You can try finding some common ground by saying something like, "I'm a bit stiff from horseback riding yesterday, it's been awhile since I've last been on a horse, do you like to ride?" If the answer is yes then there you go. However, if you're no where near a ranch, or horses, or a merry-go-round, then I suggest you mention something else, these are just helpful ideas. The two of you can start talking about riding horses and all the stuff that pertains to that subject. Maybe he has his own horses and he invites you out to his ranch to ride with him. In just those few minuets you have found a man that loves to ride, owns his own ranch, and is single, all in the span of five minuets. Not too shabby. Body language is an important part of flirting too. This includes smiling, and standing a little bit closer than you would naturally stand next to someone. Be careful though, there's a fine line between showing interest and pushing someone into a flight-or fight-response. Be careful not to get into someone's face, or push them into a corner. This is just plain creepy and pretty much guarantees that he will never want to be in the same room with you, let alone see you again. Here are a few other helpful hints you might try while flirting.
Hopefully this will help give you some ideas for what's been going on in the dating world since you were last here. Now that you have some idea on how to flirt and let him know you're interested, hopefully he has asked you out on a date. Don't panic, this is what you were going for. Yes, it may have been awhile since you have been "out there," but this is what you've been working for. Also, there is no law that say's you can't make the first move and ask him out on a date. That's another benefit in today's dating game. Some men are very flattered when they get asked out, others may not be so flattered but then again, if their not, their loss. The next few paragraphs we will discuss the fine art of dating. One thing I want to say that is very, very important, and for your own safety. Before you go out anywhere with anybody, tell a couple of friends that you're going out. This way, and let me make it very clear, this is a precaution on your part so don't go looking for trouble, in case something happens to you, someone will be on the lookout for your safety. Things do go wrong sometimes, like a car accident, or some other misshape, just let a couple of people know who you're going out with, where you're going, so on and so forth. A woman can never be too careful, so be smart, and be safe. Okay, back to those tips.
So, your going on the first date you've had for the last 10 or 20 years, don't worry, nothing has changed much when it comes to two people going out on a date. So again, start small, and don't rush. That first date has all kinds of emotions running through it and believe it or not small talk sort of relieves some of those tense moments. You're next challenge is to find a subject of mutual interest. This may take a couple of tries, but hang in there and don't give up. The three major topics that don't go well on the first date are your ex, religion, and politics, the both of you probably each have an ex-partner, so a two hour blow by blow account on all the horror that he put you through in the past year is probably not a good idea to discuss over a meal. Saying something nice like "Yes I was married for however many years, but I've been divorced for the past year now and I wish him all the best," would be a good account, plus it lets your date know that you are over your ex, and there will be no relationship problems if the two of you get involved.
Politics and religion are pretty sensitive and deep felt feelings and can wind up having the both of you yelling about it over dessert, so my advice is to avoid it all together on the first date. Okay, what if the shoe is on the other foot and he starts discussing his ex and he goes on for two hours, ranting and raving about how much he's paying in alimony blah, blah, blah, run, don't walk to the nearest exit and get away from him as fast as you can, thanking your lucky stars that you dodged that bullet as soon as you did before things got too involved. Remember, just like anything else in life, like the saying goes, you may have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince, but it you're lucky, you may make a few friends along the way.
Now that things are going smoothly and the two of you have bonded a bit, it's time to start sharing a few small personal details. Hopefully, you will find out a few details from him that will let you know that you can be safe with him, since you are spending time with a man you don't really know…yet. See if he offers information about where he works, whether he goes to a gym, or works out at home, if he goes to church, how many times he goes out for a beer after work with they guys, does he have kids and how often does he see them. Small but important things you should be able to find out over the meal to let you know he's a pretty normal guy. Don't interrupt him while he's talking, he's not your husband, don't lecture him, he's not your son, and least of all don't interrogate him because he is not your prisoner-that will come later, maybe.
Make sure, when you ask him questions, they are designed for an answer of more than one word, but don't interview him, like he's your next potential spouse either. It probably isn't a good idea to be overly sexual on the first date, and make sure that he doesn't throw around sexual innuendoes either. It's very rude for a man to complement you on your breasts, your butt, etc. Of course complements like, "You look great in that dress, or you smell wonderful," are all nice to hear, and don't forget to say "Thank You," when he gives these compliments. Don't start talking yourself down like, "I hate my hair, or I always thought the color of my eye's looked like mud." You know, stuff like that. If you don't think you're worthy neither will he and you can forget about having a second date with this guy. Here are more do's and don'ts when going out on your first date.
That should help you on getting through dinner and maybe a move afterwards. Next we will talk about the end of the evening. This can make couples nervous through the entire date, worrying about what's going to happen later.
Hopefully the date went well and you both had a great time, but now arrive at the issue of the good night kiss. Of course it depends on how well the date went, and how comfortable you are with your date. If unfortunately your date did not go well, and you don't think there is anything there to lead to a second date, then the best way to go about it would be the thank him for a nice time and shake his hand. The handshake alone will speak volumes, and whatever you do, don't say you will call. Even if your being nice and don't want to hurt his feelings, you will be better off letting him know right away that your not interested in continuing a relationship. Even being "friends" may not be a good idea here. A clean polite break and that's it. Of course if the date went really well, and your very interested in seeing him again, plus you would like for him to give you a good night kiss, then pay attention to his body language for clues that he wants to kiss you. These signs may come in many forms, such as:
If he shows you any of these signs, but you still may be a bit touchy on the subject, then lean in and give him a kiss on the cheek. This shows him that you're interested, but also that you don't want things to move too fast. The experts go as far as to say no tongues but of course that is entirely up to you, but that's really as far as you should go on the first date. Unless you're looking for a one night stand, then sex would definitely be out on the first date. Aside from any other problems, there are diseases that will kill you, and you don't know this person well enough yet. Of course you realize that when you sleep with him, then your also sleeping with everyone he's ever been with, so just don't do it. Money and social standing, is not an indication that anyone is disease free. It's also a good idea to talk frankly and openly about sex with your partner and if you're too embarrassed to have an open discussion about sex, then you're not ready to have sex.
For a lot of women, they are a bit cautious of jumping into bed with the first couple of men she goes out with, especially if she was married to the same man for 20 or 30 years. Psychologists don't recommend women sleep with their first or even second date. One drawback of being a mature woman is her body image. One big drawback of a woman turning older is her metabolism slows way down, it's not fair, but it is a fact. Some woman's bodies have changed over the years. Childbearing being a big factor, surgeries are another one, because most women don't get through life without having some type of surgery to her body, like a c-section birth or a hysterectomy, and those type of surgeries can leave pretty big, but not necessarily ugly scares. She will may look at her body and think that there is nothing sexy about it, or why would someone want her looking like she does now. If she has gone through a divorce were her husband left her because he found someone younger, her ego is probably non-existent. The plus side to a situation like poor body image is when the woman gets tired of looking like she does in the mirror; she will get off her big butt and start getting some exercise. Once she starts exercising, she will start feeling better about herself and once she starts feeling better about herself, look out!
Once a woman decides to accept the fact of living without a man can make an enormous difference in her attitude. A single woman has the foresight to take a fresh look at her life and see where she is at this moment in time. She may decide to quit working at her dead in job, and may create a business of her own, or find a job that suits her better, a job she enjoys. Most of the time when this happens she finds a change that has led to a fascinating and self fulfilling life. Some women find that they have many interests and thousands of single women do more things and are truly conversant with more subjects and pursue their hobbies with greater concentration than married women the same age. Most single women truly enjoy their single life and many are not in any hurry to get re-attached any time soon. They are enjoying their new found freedom. Many women also find they don't mind doing some traveling on their own either. If they want company on any of their travels, they realize they can meet new and interesting people where ever they go. If the want a companion to go with, girlfriends always travel together, it's safer, and splitting the cost makes an expensive trip less so.
Men are always complaining they don't have any idea what women want. In my humble opinion, I'm not so sure that men know what they want for themselves. I have been around men most of my life and I get along with them pretty well, I can even talk about race cars and what makes them go fast since I actually use to drag race in the life I had with my husband. I have heard most men say they wish that women would take the initiative every once in a while and ask the guy out, or make the first move, to be more aggressive when it comes to dating each other. I have asked two different men out for coffee since my divorce, both times a good conversation was started and we got to talking and it seemed like things were going okay and we had common interests. Towards the ends of both conversations, I gathered my courage up and asked each one of them out for a cup of coffee, that's all. I mean how emotionally involved can you get with another person over a cup of coffee? Both of these men acted like I was demanding a commitment right then and there, and after the coffee, we should get married. Now I realize I'm not Miss America, not even close, but I do alright for myself. However, these two gentlemen started stuttering and stammering and you could see the gears grinding in their heads trying to come up with an excuse not to have coffee when the answer "no" would have worked just fine. Anyway, needless to say I haven't asked a man out even for coffee since.
Okay, we have just about discussed everything from the joys of dating and getting to know a prospective date, to our bodies and how we feel about them, to the touchy subject of asking men out for a date. Next maybe we should talk about sex in a more personal manner. Just because we have been dragged through the pain of divorce, and because of it we may have sworn off sex for awhile. We will one date want to start having sex again, someday, maybe, and when we do there will be some things that are a bit different. For one, hopefully our next sex partner will be different than the one we had before. Some ex's have been know for going back for sex with each other from time to time, and that is a nice safe place to be. However, since you did divorce your ex, you cannot continue to keep having sex with them, because what was the point of the divorce in the first place. Being married, our sexual routine was safe and secure. Whatever else it may have been, it was safe, our needs were met, so to speak. We either had sex, or we didn't and that was that. After a break-up, things are neither safe nor predictable. We are not only dealing with the painful recovery process, but there are times when we feel we may never have a good sex life again. Sex and divorce are two of the most emotionally potent subjects of our time. When combined, they create a psychological cocktail with all the portents of both pleasure and pain.
Unless you left your ex for someone else, a break-up will usually mean that you are now single again and going to face, in one way or another, the potential of new relationships and their inherent sexuality. No matter how many self help you read about sex, there are still mystery's about it. There is still mystery and adventure to be had whenever you meet someone new for the first time, and wonder what it would be like to have sex with that person. How in the world is a person suppose to cope with divorce and the prospect of an intimate relationship with someone new, and which one of these problems deserve the most attention? Well, your divorce has already happened, but your sex life is still in the future, so lets talk about sex.
There is not doubt that the prospect of ever having sex again with someone else is going to bring up those emotional issues you may have had with your ex. Many married couples have problems with their sex lives, and just because your divorced does not mean that you didn't bring those issues right along with you. If you have unresolved hurt or anger over your last sexual relationship with your ex, this is going to affect your sexuality and your ability to become involved in a fulfilling manner. It is said that post divorce sex can either heal or help your existing sexual demons. It will depend on where you are at this time of your life, and how you are handling your healing time. Being dumped can bring on low self-esteem, feeling of personal failure, rejection, and abandonment. These feelings will have a tremendous impact on how you perceive your sexual attractiveness and the way you are ready in interact sexually. Plus the facts that there will always be a considerable divide between men and women with respect to sexual objectives and attitudes that govern sexual behavior.
If your ex was the one who initiated the divorce because he found someone else, then your feelings of abandonment and rejection are real and will manifest themselves in a number of ways. You may have some sexual inhibitions and feel fearful of sexual contact, since rejection can have a debilitating effect on your sense of inner self and body image. You may use your sexuality as a vehicle to act out any anger, and gain some sense of control, or as an attention-getting device, all in the attempt to regain some kind of self worth and to build up your ego. Some women have the very real need to feel loved, not matter the cost. The problem is they may be going about it all wrong. Jumping into bed with any man who will show them attention, then waking up the next morning hating themselves for their actions and what they have done. These types of actions may be a type of retaliation against her last relationship was she felt impotent, neglected, and rejected. According to the marital therapist Karen Solomon-Ament who tells us that this type of behavior is really a form of self-sabotage; by using casual sex to deal with unresolved issues, your only effecting a temporary cure that carries one hell of an emotional hang-over. Not to mention how dangerous having casual sex with someone you don't know very well. Your self esteem and sense of self-worth continue to be assaulted the "morning after," and you're actively denying yourself all of the joy and fulfillment of a loving sexual relationship.
We talked a little bit about having sex with the ex and how many couples avoid the whole prospect of being left out in the cold by doing this. Yes, it is a way of staying save and secure, but all it really does is delay the inevitable of having to deal with being single again. You need to let go sexually in order to fully heal, grow, and move on to a new life. As long as your still sleeping with your ex, that is not going to happen. If you are still having sex with your ex, you need to ask yourself this question; "What am I getting out of this relationship?" Are you harboring a hope that the two of you will someday get back together? How does your ex feel about that? Men will usually not turn down sex, no matter who it's from, so you should make sure the two of you are on the same wavelength. Continuing to have sex with your ex will eventually only leave you more hurt, disappointed, and angry with yourself. One woman told how she continued to have sex with her ex husband for the next four years. She thought for sure they were on the road to reconciliation. However, when he got engaged to his girlfriend she was heartbroken. When she confronted him about it, and asked him how he could go about cheating on his girlfriend by having sex with her, he casually said that he never really considered having sex with her as cheating since she was his ex wife. Unbelievably he truly believed that was true, and he would have continued to have sex with her if she continued. She claimed that even years later he still made passes at her and could not understand why she felt the way she did. Personally, I can't even begin to explain why there are so many things wrong with that type of situation, and I'm not a psychologist. I will admit though, that from time to time I have thought about having sex with my ex, just to feel some sort of comfort but then I look past the sex and how I'm going to feel afterwards, laying beside him, in our old bed. I know that I will have a glimmer of hope that maybe we could get back together again. I was one of those women who was "traded in for a younger model," and I took my own divorce very hard. I don't think I could go through being hurt like that again, so I don't.
Some women unfortunately, were in very abusive marriages. If this was your situation, there could be any number of very deep emotional issues that need to be addressed before you consider starting an intimate, sexual relationship. The main risk of entering into new relationships lies in repeating an established pattern: the relationship may be new, but your role as victim may be repeated. It may be a good idea to consider therapy first. You need to learn how to spot the warning signs early on, and how to attract a different type of man. It would be in your best interest in receiving therapy, because believe it or not, counselors say that women from abusive relationships find themselves in the same toxic situations all over again. Many women see themselves as not being good enough to be with a person who treats them with the respect and the love they deserve. Everybody deserves to be happy and have a happy life.
Other women come from a sexually repressed marriage, were the husband does not care for sex much. There are two common reactions of these women who come out of marriages like this. They may either get into another relationship that is just like the one they got out of, were the husband is an unresponsive partner, or they go out and make up for lost time. If you come from a sex-starved marriage, then you will undoubtedly have some pent-up urges that want out. Finding a sexually responsive partner can open up a whole new and exciting world for you. You should be careful though if you become sexually active right out of your divorce, advises sex therapist Debra Burrell. You should probably see this sexual time of your life for what it is, a primal need that you need to fill for the time being, just good ole raw sex. This can be very healthy for you as long as it's consenting and it's not abusive or destructive for either partner. Remember to have safe sex every time you have sex. Studies have also found that when it comes to sex and older couples, they are less likely to use protection, making them the highest risk takers when it comes to having sex. Women feel that since they can't get pregnant, why use protection? The use of protection is to keep a person from getting a sexually transmitted disease or STDs. Be smart and be careful, use protection. It's not at all uncommon now days for women to carry condoms in their purses when they go out, just in case. Be responsible for your own safety and well being. Nice people get sexually transmitted diseases too, and you can't tell just by looking at them if someone has one or not. Most therapist agree that it takes about two years to fully heal from divorce, so there really is no hurry to have sex if you are not ready. Don't be pressured.
Monica Morris, author of the book "Looking for Love in Later Life," claims "There's a terrible embarrassment about revealing yourself after years and years of being married to the same partner." Men are afraid they may not be able to "measure up," or won't be able to deliver, older men especially. Sex can be a big problem with them, they either have an erection or they don't, so there's no faking it. Sexual inhibitions in women have a great deal to do with negative body image. Being overweight will affect all parts of a woman's life. Her vitality, self-expression, and self-esteem, just to name a few. Her first sexual encounter will be filled with worry and self doubt, so much so that she will not even be able to enjoy the experience. Her mind will be too busy worrying about how a certain body part looks to her partner, or how a certain position is not her best side. If you have any of these self doubts, there's all the more reason to seek some help from therapy. A women's body image is what is triggered in our minds when we look in the mirror: how we perceive and feel about ourselves. Women are more worried about their body image than men. The problem with these worries though is that your getting left out on the good feelings that sex is suppose to be bringing to you. Dr. Thomas Cash, a researcher into the link between body image and sex at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA., has found that "women who like the way they look reach orgasm more frequently than those who were preoccupied with their physical defects. Women who accept their body image are 73% more likely to reach an orgasm compared with only 42% for women who have a negative body image. Very often, weight gain in a woman is a substitute for an underlying emotional issue she doesn't want to deal with, claims Dr. Cash. If she's been hurt by a painful breakup or scared about her future prospects, she may gain weight out of the subconscious wish to become undesirable. This protects her from having to face the pain of another broken heart and rejection. Many times, women will unconsciously gain weight to while their married to avoid any sexual issues within their marriage. For single women, being overweight keeps them from having to date at all, keeping them away from any potential relationships. This doesn't always work though; some men are more attracted to women with some weight on them.
Even very attractive women have self doubts about their body image. She too has time were she feels unattractive or ugly which translates into the negative body images and women may be sending out these negative feelings to the men around them. In all actuality, most men are attracted to a person's energy far more than their physiology. Experts say the key to positive sexual energy is truly accepting and loving yourself and that includes your body too. If you ask yourself honestly, "how do I feel about my body," and you have a list of dislikes and complaints, then you can be sure you have a problem with your body image. The first step to helping yourself and your image is to identify the belief that's responsible for it, figure out where this belief came from, and deal with the experience that caused it. If you have a problem putting your finger on what exactly your problem is then makes a list describing your body from childhood to the present. Another helpful suggestion is to get a book called "The Body Image Workbook: An 8 step Program for Learning to Like Your Looks by Thomas F. Cash PhD. Men too have feelings of low self-esteem and poor body image, especially older men, although younger men also feel this way also. We all know that men and women differ when it comes to sex and what it means to each of us. Nest, we will find out what men and women feel about sex and what they do about it.
Sexual arousal for men is physical and for women it's emotional. Researchers have found that men are aroused mainly through their senses, particularly through sight, although sound and smell make up part of it too. Sense men are physiologically aroused more than women; it tends to make sense that they are ready for sex sooner after a divorce than women. The push for men to get involved in a relationship again can be strengthened by a man's need to fill the emotional gap that has been created by the loss of a partner. For men, having sex means that they can be intimate without having to talk about their feelings. It's also validates their ego, which is very important when a man's ego is bruised. Men are most definitely interested in having sex on the first date. Sleeping around for men builds their self esteem, or so they think. This is a big mistake most men make, says Debra Burrell, "They're seeking attention to make them feel loved and lovable, but ultimately, it will backfire."
One man admits to doing this right after his divorce, he claims that one of the reason's for doing this was to get "back at his wife" and show her he could have anybody he wanted. Plus, he admits that sleeping around with several different women made him feel like a "stud" at first, but after awhile it got old. Pretty soon he realized that sex with strange women made him "feel empty inside" than anything, and pretty soon he felt he wanted a deeper relationship with someone other than a one night stand. He found that he missed the emotional intimacy and touching of marriage as much as he missed the sex. He quit sleeping around with different women and actually started getting some therapy for his problems. For men, the desire to have sex doesn't necessarily translate into a desire for a relationship. It's different for women however, sex for them have more powerful implications.
Women like the idea of being in love almost as much as love itself. They like having flowers sent to them, and receiving love letters. Most women feel that having sex is one of the most intimate acts that can be shared between two human beings. By its very nature, the sexual act itself makes us vulnerable to one another, and when women get divorced, we tend to loose our faith, idealism, and our trust in others. Getting involved again is about learning to trust once again and before we can do that, we first have to deal with our emotional issues and get a positive outlook on things.
Your first steady relationship after divorce can be a very uplifting experience. After all the emotional pain that going thru a divorce can do for to you, you deserve some fun and happiness in your life. You have come very close to disowning the male gender entirely, but after some of the pain fades away and you begin to notice what's going on around you, the thought of dating again is starting to sound a little interesting. Especially after all the information I have given you all thru this article, you think you might want to find out what's out there. Like before, there really are no rules as to how, why, who, or where, you date but try not to fall for the first guy that asks you out to dinner. If you do find someone that you want to have around for a while, this is a good thing, or so the experts say. Your first serious relationship after your divorce can be quit the heart healer, and be one of the best things that has happened for you in a long time. It may be a little scary at first but you will get over that soon enough so you can enjoy the relationship for what it is, a cleansing, freeing love affair.
Well, in order to find that special someone, you really need to get out there and start dating. The sooner you get started, the closer you will get to your emotional healing. You may have to really push yourself, but go ahead, just start going out and start getting involved with mixing with other people. Don't worry if nothing happens right away, there's nothing wrong with you, but pay attention to your actions and see if there's something you can improve on. If you find you really like dating, and you wake up one day and find that maybe you liked it a bit too much because you've had "a few," sexual affairs, don't beat yourself up too bad over it. Psychologist say that after a few month of being celibate, may women go through a number of brief sexual affairs. This type of behavior most definitely helps your healing process because it rebuilds your self esteem.
It's very common for most people who have been thru a divorce to have at least one transitional partner during your healing process. He may be the answer to all of your dreams and helps you get thru the emotional trauma that divorce has left you with. Sometimes called "special boyfriends," they are good at easing you thru your hard times and just seem to know what you need and when you need it. They listen, they're sensitive, and are always around when you need them the most, and they fill all your basic need. There is one thing you need to be aware of and that is…don't think your going to marry this guy, he is not marriage material. You may feel a lot for him, and care about him a great deal, but he is not the answer to your dreams. Your feelings are all over the place at this time, and making any life altering decisions now would only be a huge mistake in the future.
Use this experience for what it is, the healing part of your life. Have fun and enjoy this person and when it's over, leave him with a smile and thank him for everything he has done for you. You're not going to hurt his feelings I assure you, people of his type are born to nurture and take care of others, nursing them back to health and making sure they land on their two feet.
I hope this little e-book has helped you in some way. I know I have learned a few things from the research I have done. Now, hopefully that us women are out here on our own, we will be a little smarter in the approach to emotional healing and learning to deal with the experiences that our divorce has brought to us. It's never an easy time for any of us going thru it. I remember talking about divorce with my now ex husband and one of the things I asked him was about dating. "Do you really want to go back out there on the dating scene again?" I asked. Of course, that was before I found out about his girlfriend. That's the way life goes, and it will toss you a curve ball every once in awhile. The trick is learning to deal with whatever that curve ball brings us and growing from it. Hopefully we will come out on the other end a lot stronger and healthier than before.