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When it comes to grief, divorce comes in 2nd to death

It is said that "Time heals all wounds," this is a very old myth and according to today's standards not a very good one. If you are recently divorced, you have probably heard about all of that saying you ever wanted to hear. If you listen to that analogy, then all you need to do is sit around for long enough and you will be healed, right? Wrong, all that waiting will do for you is make your pain more unbearable. What you need to do is get up and start living again. Unfortunately there are not five easy steps to help you recover from your divorce, there is a lot of great self-help books out there that help you deal with your grief and tell you what you should be doing to get on and live your life. You need to deal with your grief, it is very real and if you don't deal with your grief, it has the potential to come back and hurt you in the future, making you more miserable than you are right now.

Divorce, along with all other broken romantic relationships cause grief. If you don't deal with your grief over your former spouse, it may dictate some bad choices you may make with future relationships. Experts say that incomplete grief will cause you to over protect yourself from any future relationships in fear of having your heart broken again. This excess caution will limit your abilities to be open, trusting, and loving with another human being. Hopefully, you will recognize the need to go back and complete any prior relationships in order to enhance the possibility of success in a current one or new one.

The truth is a very freeing thing but it is very hard to do. However, learning the truth can be the beginning of a series of actions that can lead to emotional freedom. Right now you may be going through a plethora of emotions: going from despair to hope to numbness, up and down back and forth. You may even feel a strong sense of relief that the worst is over. All of these conflicting feelings are sure to have you on the edge of madness, but hang in there, things do get better. Her are some common responses when you are in the grieving process, I don't believe there are any one set of stages experienced by everyone but most people will experience some if not all of these responses to the pain and separation of divorce.

  • Reduced concentration. You go to the kitchen to get something and when you get there you forget what you went in there for.
  • A feeling of numbness. This can be physical, emotional, or both. Although different people experience it for different lengths of time, it's rare for the numbness to last for more than a few hours at a time.
  • Disrupted sleep patterns. This can mean being unable to sleep or to sleep constantly, or maybe a little bit of both.
  • A change in eating habits either eating non-stop, or having no appetite at all, or maybe doing a little bit of both in those area's also.
  • Having a roller coaster of emotional energy. You'll experience emotional highs and lows, which can make you feel physically drained.

All of these are natural and normal responses when you're grieving. How long each will last, and which one's you'll experience, are unique to you.

Many women will rely on their belief system to help them recover from their divorce. Your friends are there for you too, but the friends that the both of you had together may be confused about things too. Try not to be too hard on them if they decide to stay friendly with your ex husband, he will need friends in his time of need also. There are also action that you can take right now that will help you feel more complete. These are:

  • Looking at your beliefs and philosophies about dealing with loss and divorce. Use anything you need that will help you through this.
  • Listing all of your prior losses, which include deaths, other romantic breakups moving, financial changes, health issues, and more.
  • Creating a "relationship review," this includes the good, the bad, and the ugly about your past relationships. This review will contain the bulk or your emotional communications that remain incomplete or unresolved.
  • Converting those undelivered emotional communications into three categories: Amends, Forgiveness, and Significant Emotional Statements.
  • Writing and reading those thoughts and feeling, in safety and confidence, to a grief recovery partner, so they become a completed communication.

Opening up and sharing all your life secrets, good and bad, to another person can be so freeing that later when you go to bed, if you've had problems sleeping before, you will have one of the best nights sleep ever. Usually people do this when they want to change into a better person because they want to get rid of anything that could come back to haunt them later in life. Telling one other person about all of the good and bad things you have done in the past, will relieve you from all those bad feelings you may have about yourself and allow you to start fresh. Who you choose to share this with is up to you, though preferably it is someone you don't see too often, like maybe a distant relative, or a friend in another state. Sharing this with your best friend is not recommended because you may not tell her everything you need to and you need someone non-judgmental. Whatever you do to help you get over your grief and move on is good, just as long as what your doing does not hurt anyone else in the process. I know I have given you a lot of "lists" but hopefully one or two of them can help you. Divorce is a life changing force and everything you used to know may be gone, or at least different.


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