Advice for women

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One of the most confusing and controversial dating topics for women is how to know when, in the relationship, to start having sex. Of course, there is no one "sex". There are hugs, there are kisses, there's making out, and then there's the whole spectrum of sex. There's usually a progression of things that happen, sometimes in this order:

  • Hugging
  • Kissing
  • Passionate, tongue-in-mouth making out
  • Feeling up and all around
  • Breast play
  • Oral sex
  • Anal sex
  • The big enchilada--intercourse

So when do you let what occur? There used to be rules about this sort of thing, but then the 60's and 70's changed everything for most people and now there's not a lot of structure. And believe it or not, people do crave structure. So here are some guidelines.

First of all, it should go without saying that if you don't like the guy, don't do anything with him! A surprising number of women will go along with what the guy wants, either out of sympathy or pity or just to avoid having a confrontation. Don't be that woman--you'll hate yourself later. And besides, it's cruel to the guy because you'll just get his hopes up and then have to puncture them later.

A good rule of thumb is don't let yourself feel pressured into doing anything you don't want to do with a guy you don't like. If you DO like the guy, you still shouldn't let yourself feel pressured into moving into something before you're ready. There's a very good reason for that.

Be aware that you're walking a delicate tightrope here. Even if like the guy, you can lose him if you give in too soon. Having full-blown intercourse or anal sex, or even oral sex, on the first date is probably a bad idea, even if you swear you've met your soulmate.

Know this: men thrive on challenges. They want what they can't have right now. Notice I said "right now." That plays into the second part of the tightrope: you don't want to hold out on the sex thing too long, or he might think you're a hopeless prude or that you just plain don't like him. And then he won't call and you won't see him again because he found someone else who puts out.

FYI, one little flirting tip you can use to let him know you're interested in having sex with him but you don't want to do it yet is to touch him. Men interpret almost any touch by a woman as a signal that she wants to have sex with him. Use this knowledge with caution--it is not a toy.

So you're doing a balancing act, holding out a while, but not too long. So let's talk specifics. How long is too long?

Hugs can be freely give on the first date, and are a good idea. Hugging establishes you as a friendly, open woman, and that's a good thing. You want to be seen that way. Men are inherently a little bit afraid of women they don't know well, but would like to know, and a nice hug can defuse a lot of that. Besides, men love to hold women.

Kisses, too, can be given on the first date, old wisdom notwithstanding. It's up to you whether or not you want to get into the whole deep, passionate, French-kissing full-blown make-out thing. But there's nothing wrong with a good kiss.

The body fondling thing is probably not the best idea on a first date because it establishes you as "easy." Sad but true, there's still a mentality out there that there are two kinds of girls: easy girls and good girls. Men go to easy girls for sex, but they only marry good girls. You do not, under any circumstances, want to let yourself fall into the "easy" category.

Of course, there's an obvious problem with parceling out each of these things one by one. If you hug and kiss on the first date, make out passionately on the second one, let your hands roam on the third and so on, you're going to get your man good and frustrated.

The solution? Use your judgment. Every relationship is different. If it's the fourth date and you feel caught up in a wave of passion and you feel sure your man feels the same way, go for it. Granted, you are risking him thinking you're easy, but you have to weight that against how much you want it right then and there.

There are women who've managed to hold off having sex at all until they get married. Some people do this for moral or religious reasons. In terms of pure practicality, this could be a bad idea--what if you're just not sexually compatible? Don't laugh, it happens.

Human sex organs come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes. It is possible to have a man with such huge penis, and a woman with such a short, shallow vagina, that sex will be extremely painful for the woman, if it happens at all. Or the incompatibility could take other forms--maybe one of you wants oral sex or anal sex frequently and the other thinks it's yucky.

There are also women who manage to make a man wait months before having sex. There's really no good reason for doing this if you're attracted to them man, other than building up yourself as a highly-desired, temporarily unavailable lady. But it's hard on the man.

So give these guidelines some thought, and work with them, but ultimately let your heart and your common sense be your guide. Don't be too easy but don't play hard to get for too long, or he'll think you can't be gotten. Take things one step at a time, allow the passion to build, and then let nature take its course. If there's no passion there, best to make a graceful end to things.


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